More Writing Commandments

Let's talk about lazy, sloppy food writing. The following words are hereforthwith unbearable and may result in traffic accidents while I try to drive while bleeding from multiple orifices on my face:

Offerings - food, menu items, wines, whatever. Stop calling them "offerings." It brings to mind loin-clothed natives kneeling and presenting various choices of bành mí or smoothies before a foodie god (see "Foodie," below).

Nestled - a Chinese hole in the wall doesn't "nestle" in the corner of a strip mall. Fawns nestle; Easter eggs nestle. Acceptable alternatives: squatting, lurking, and emitting off-putting smells.

Foodie - every time you say this, a butterfly gets eaten by Andrew Zimmern. Adding a cutesy "-ie" to the end of a word we all require to survive implies a ridiculously misplaced sense of superiority. Instead, why not "epicurean" or "gastronome"? Oh yeah, because it doesn't disarm those around you who might mistake you for someone smart and grown up. Scary-wary! To be fair, plenty of people for whom I have a great deal of respect have succumbed to this word usage, just like that one time my boyfriend got bit by the zombie and we had to cut off his head. That sucked almost as much.

Yummy/Nummers/Nom-nom/Nom - see what I did there? Read out loud, that shows the precise decay of the English language, once a very fine language (but before that, absolute garbage, an ungainly mishmash of Germanic and Romantic languages). It's like the whole Kristen/Kirsten/Kiersten/Karsten/Kastin/Smashmash/Glahgah thing. Our brains are sloshing around in our heads from all the high fructose corn syrup and this is how it manifests. If you say "nom nom" at a hospital cafeteria, I do believe they will rush you to the ER, mistaking you for a stroke victim. Or maybe it's no mistake.

It's really just laziness, which, when you troll the food blogs and free-for-all review sites, is blisteringly common -- no, most people are not writers, but now they can be read by just about anyone. The danger is that we are an impressionable species - already, I've seen apostrophes misused by even businesses who paid a great deal of money for professional signage.
"Saturday's and Sunday's!"
"Walk in's welcome!"

With our education system in ruins, don't you think kids are going to grow up thinking that's the correct usage? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Never mind them, plenty of grown-ups are mimicking each other's lusterless, dull language.

Oh yes, which reminds me:

Lackluster - the use of "lackluster" to describe food, experiences, wines, whathaveyou is just silly, given that the word itself is lackluster. Again, it's lazy to point out what something isn't rather than having to think about what it is. (And I know lazy.) Except "mirthless"... "mirthless" rules.

Examples of better words than "lackluster": sullen, limpid, flaccid, puny, dull, blah (blah is okay - it's onomatopoeic, the sound of barfing; unlike "yummy," which is just insipid.)

Words best convey your feelings when they put an image in the reader's mind. Words with no image - you can tell them by their lack of poetry - are lazy words. And if you don't care, you're not really a writer, no matter how many "hits" or "cools" your posts get.

It's a brave new world, but time will sort you out.

How to Write Reviews Like a Complete Wanker: COMMANDMENT THREE

When reviewing Chinese restaurants, if you cite your experience with any of the following, you are wasting everyone's time:
General Tso's anything
Sesame anything
Walnut and Honey Shrimp
Kung Pao

These dishes are about as Chinese as Howdy Doody. What's more, they're dead giveaways that your palate is probably so mucked up with sugar, salt, and corn starch, that I wouldn't trust you to tell me if I was about to bite into a steaming dog turd. I'll take my chances, thanks.

Ask for the Szechuan dishes, the Mandarin, the Cantonese...the real ones. The ones they aren't giving you on the white-folks menu. Ask for extra spicy. Ask for Lion's Head, oyster hot pots, ma po tofu. Soup dumplings! Demand soup dumplings! If more Americans raved about soup dumplings the way they do about General Tso's Heinous Ass Buffet, we wouldn't have to go to effing New York City to find one.

Tripe. Sea cucumber intestine. Scallop poop - whatever sounds weird, get it.
Seriously, people. There's a reason whole nations eat these things.

If Weight Watchers makes a frozen dinner of it, don't ever ever ever waste the world's time reviewing it for a restaurant.

How to Write Reviews Like a Complete Wanker: COMMANDMENT TWO

Thou shalt not use the term "yummy." Are you fucking five???

How to Write Reviews Like a Complete Wanker: COMMANDMENT ONE

Since taking on a full time job as an editor of restaurant reviews, the focus of my seething ire has shifted from the dining crowd to the writing crowd; namely, the food writing crowd.
Everyone's a fucking food writer now! Thanks, Yelp!

Hear that noise? I just cracked a tooth snarling so hard. Now I whistle all my esses.

Following are some things I, as an editor, have come to despise - nay! - DETEST WITH A PASSION NORMALLY RESERVED FOR TEXAS REPUBLICAN LEGISLATORS - in amateur food writing.

Bloggers! Take this to heart and your dreams of finally being noticed by a respectable publication will come to fruition, because right now (and trust me on this), no one can stand you. I want to help. Please, GOD, let me help...

WRITING COMMANDMENT #1:

• DO NOT start your review with "Nestled in a...." Every time a description of a restaurant begins with the passive and clichéd "Nestled in a...." I tear the wings off a butterfly. Do you want to be the reason why all these beautiful creatures suffer so? Of course not. Knock it off.

Suggested alternatives: Get laid, have a drink, watch something funny and read some Anthony Bourdain, MFK Fisher, Frank Bruni even!! You are beginning this way because you are too rigid and locked in to a formula. Free associate instead. Think about what the restaurant means to you as a whole, and the conceit of its appearance. Think about the bigger picture. Riff on stuff around it, the crowd. If all else fails, just use. A different. Goddamned. WORD. It's not a fucking doe. It's a sushi bar. It doesn't "nestle."

MORE COMMANDMENTS TO FOLLOW. I NEED TO SMOKE A JOINT.