Monday, October 26, 2009

And the Biggest Mouthbreather on Earth Award Goes To....

This one is credited to my friend, R (who shall go nameless because I do not want hordes of jackass Yelpers to flame her blog, although they are welcome to try here):

Reason #62 why no restaurateur should ever, ever take Yelp seriously



I am still trying to get over my shock and subsequent bewilderment after opening my Shack Lunch box and discovering taco meat, sour cream, shredded lettuce and cheese on...wait for it....A THICK FRENCH BREAD BUN. Yes, just like a taco meat sandwich. If you can even wrap your mind around that. I barely can. To be fair, after picking up the pieces of my mind, when I reviewed the website menu to see for myself that the description indicated this, it (kinda) does. See for yourself:

Shack Lunch
The Shack Torta sandwich with your choice of meat, lettuce, tomato, cheese and sour cream served with rice and beans. (taco meat, beef fajita, chicken fajita, carne guisada)

So, yes, it does say "sandwich", but when you're going to a place called Taco Shack, your mind can't even begin to comprehend that one of these could come on a thick sandwich bun. The very idea of it is wrong on so many levels.

If this post blew your fucking mind as much as it did ours, feel free to start a Yelp account and let Austin's Rachel D.know that she may, in fact, be the only human being in Austin who doesn't know that a torta is a sandwich and that she should perhaps stick to huffing glue for lunch.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 4

This one was such a magnificent disaster, I had to reprint the entire review. It is not only uncomfortably creepy, but the showboaty pseudo-fiction tone is just hilarious. There are some people on Yelp who write these would-be noir sort of reviews, but I'd rather eat my own toenails off than read any work of "Fiction" these guys write when they've finally managed to stop furiously jacking off in the mirror.

  • Sauntering into Bastas on a sweltering hot afternoon, I found myself in a quaint little restaurant obviously inspired by the Italian bistros of the Napa Valley.

    I sat myself at the bar and admired the rows of Italian wines on prominent display. Associations of good times past kindled my memory as I studied vintages that I've enjoyed previously.

    Draped in an elegant black dress, the lovely bartender inquired on what refreshment was necessary to quench my parched palate.

    "Your choice", I said.

    "What do you like to drink?"


    Revealing a thin smile from the side of her slender lips, she proceeded to prepare a simple cocktail with purposeful intention.

    "This is a horse feather", she said with a hint of pride as she served it to me.

    One sip of the smooth and refreshing drink was all that it took to sooth away the harshness of the hot day.

    "You do know me", I said.

    Glancing at the happy hour menu, I took note that this was not the typical bar fare and ordered the carpaccio and roast quail.

    The carpaccio was prepared just like in I've had in California wine country, with lovely slices of Parmesan and flavorful vinaigrette complementing the thinly sliced beef.

    The roast quail was prepared with a spicy dry rub and baked. I enjoyed that tasty little bird.

    I only savored Bastas bar for one, short, happy hour, but it was an entertaining hour at that.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 3

Had few complaints about diners from last night's shift, except a group of Westlake Chodes sitting in the bar who complained that the Caesar had anchovies (amazing white anchovies, see this post for how I will use them for world domination), then sent the ribeye back to be murdered to a helpless medium-well, then loudly bitched that restaurants that only serve wine and beer are "fucking cheap."

Go back to Bikinis, you tasteless chodes. Try not to date rape anyone on your way.

So onto the Yelpers whose tyranny continues to give me angina:

  • I wish I had known the Aloo Gobi was going to be spicy.
  • I'm just now getting into Indian food, so I might not be the best judge, but this place is freakin fantastic!!
  • My wife and I had num nums here on Saturday after seeing a show at the Civic. (that's a bit personal, don't you think?)
  • So at work I'm known as the Yelp girl. People come to me all the time asking for restaurant recommendations for this or that. (two guesses: 1) they're trying to get in your pants - no one thinks yelpers have the slightest clue what they're talking about or 2) you work from home)
  • "Her blood coursed through my veins sweeter than life itself..." Louis, Interview with the Vampire (Somewhere, a Hot Topic is missing its resident "Creepy guy")

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 2

Here are today's winners:

  • The only reason I didn't give this 5 stars is because it gets so darn crowded!! Which means, it's good.

  • I don't know what kind of coffee they use, but it's fine by me and served professionally. I'm not a crepe expert, but they seem fine also.
  • Well, restaurants like this are a dime a dozen in France.
Catch of the day:
  • Well , I'm French , and I don't take this kind of fake french cuisine . Never heard about "shrimps a la Bourguignone" There is no shrimp in Bourgogne (true) . Who wants to eat chicken a la Francaise .....Or a confit Duck , that's from Perigord ( I'm with you so far pal, but that's in France.)
    A Bouchon is a very tiny restaurant in the town of Lyon , the best chefs in the world are from Lyon . The food is based on boudin, grattons ,andouillette,onglet aux echalottes , mushrooms ,St Marcellin , NOTHING PASTEURIZED !!!! got he picture ? It's the best and the worst of French Cuisine .(record screeching noise)
    The wine is from Cotes du Rhone , and it was GOOD !!! That's the only thing I'll remember .The best cotes du Rhone is St Julien .... just try to find it ,,,,,,
    Also the waitress , she had a bad bang , and too much friendly , like Dude , grabbing my shoulder , ,,,,No big deal when you are in France , and alone , my girlfriend didn't like her......

And scene.

Monday, October 5, 2009

People Love themselves on Yelp, volume 1

In the sort of turn of events that makes gods and Russians laugh, I, who am famous in my small world for despising Yelpers and belittling them at every possible opportunity, now must routinely peruse their banal dribble as part of my non-serving job. To try and leech some of the cancer-causing bile my blood is accumulating over having to read screechingly moronic and wrong information, advice, and opining, here is a new series I've named after a t-shirt I desperately wanted to make (we've all been there):
People Love themselves on Yelp

Today's batch needs little in the way of my own commentary. It's sheer poetry
(rampant and psychotic misuse of English language kept as is):

  • There is nothing worse than a server saying "let me go check with the kitchen." That is absurd their job is to know what they are serving...
  • I am a complete foodie
  • There was an Indian couple sitting next to me (or close enough, right? -emc)
  • As a French onion soup connoisseur I found sadly that Serrato's soup was so salty it just plain sucked.
  • I'm from LA so I know good sushi from OK sushi.
  • I think my real problem is that coming from Hawaii I'd eaten so much amazing sushi that it's hard to be impressed.
  • Being from L.A. and having visited Japan, my standards are pretty high, but this place, is pretty much disappointing.
  • We've been to many of the best sushi restaurants in New York City, including Nobu, so...
  • Num-yummy!

That's all the time I have today. Join us next time for more b.s.-spewing on People Love themselves on Yelp, volume 2.