Another Yelper Makes Me Want To Shove Razors In My Eyes

"My friend ordered three dishes. I don't speak Chinese, so I don't know their exact names, but I have approximated them below:

1. Chicken Buried in a Giant Mountain of Red Peppers that is Really Goddamn Hot
2. Fish Fillet Swimming in a Giant Pool of Spicy Chili Oil that is Really Goddamn Hot
3. Ma Po Tofu (You DO speaka Chinese! -ed.) Swimming in a Giant Pool of Spicy Chili Oil that is Really Goddamn Hot"

You found this review:
Useless
Embarrassing
Makes You Want To Shove Razors In Your Eyes

This Is Happening

: It's me, bitches. I'm back.

You: Oh, were you gone?

: And I'm here to tell you that although I'm not a waitress anymore, I still have to endure more stupid bullshit on the Internet about food and wine than I can stand. So now you get to hear all about it.

You: You're going to keep making fun of Yelpers, aren't you?

: Yaaaarrrrr. And food bloggerz and Twitter Twats and fucking chefs, and....GRAWRRRR! PR releases!!! I FUCKING HATE PR RELEASES. THEY MAKE ME WANT TO SHAVE MY FACE LIKE BOB GELDOF IN "THE WALL."

You: And, hopefully, you'll keep giving us good recommendations for wines to drink that are crazy-affordable and natural and taste like real actual wine from a place made by people not robots and chemicals.


: Fuck yes. Now I'm about to go down on this 2002 Pierre Peters Cuvée Speciale like Mama Cass on a ham sandwich. Peace out.

Sweet Berry Wine!

Today in Thanks Yelp A**hole, Next Time I'll Just Ask My Dog:

"The wine was light and had a strong fruit/berry flavor."

This might be a good time to revisit John C. Reilly's best work ever ever!

People Love Themselves on Yelp, the coda

I'm back to reviewing restaurants regularly while also maintaining my pink-collar loyalties a few nights a week (the subject of an essay I will work on right after my graphic novel about the customers who have sucked most—enter now for a chance to win a guest appearance!—and my memoir about trauma and tragedy, affectionately called "The Dead Mom Opus").

Couple that with my freelance work on a wine website, and you have three—hahaha, three!—jobs to help me barely get by while trying to buy things like wedding rings and little stringy white lights.

Ah Ah Ah! You're getting married in a recession, Dumbass!

That also means I'm back to perusing Yelp boards to try and understand the opposing points of view, or at least the popular conception of a restaurant I am writing up, having lost the faint scent of anyone there who even remotely knows what they're talking about (by now they've all ejected and started their own blogs - so have plenty of people who know absolutely nothing).

Thus resumes my frequent venting about Yelp (and other hyper-democratized online reviews) so that I don't grind my teeth into powder and say "I Do" with one eye twitching madly.

Here's a great kick-off:

• Authentic! <--remember this for later
  I was delighted by how wonderful and fresh this new Latin restaurant was.
  
  My Bistec and Carnitas tacos were amazingly flavorful if not a bit small for liking. The Spinach Salad with Jicama, mandarin oranges, walnuts , queso fresco and a light vinaigrette were such a surprise and contradiction to the standard ICEBERG and GUACAMOLE salad at most Latin restaurants...
  

There's so much wrong with this clutch of words that I can't even ridicule it. Not without Photoshop. Let's see what I can do with Snagit Beta in thirty seconds...I do have three jobs, after all.

Clicky:

Please send Photoshop, ASAP.

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 5

Yeah, technically, Talking Back to Yelpers As If They Can hear Me counted as a People Love Themselves on Yelp, so this should be Volume 6, but crazy compulsive head makes big exploding noise when numerical sequence upset and fiancé is too nice to deserve cleaning up exploded head.

So... volume 5: Making sure People Know Your Yelp Review is a Fucking Useless Waste of Time

• Having never had banh mi before my wife and I went here for lunch. I had the banh mi Tom special (garlic shrimp) while she had the barbequed pork banh mi. We shared an egg roll appetizer and also had a cream puff for dessert. Food was great. Having never had banh mi neither of us have anything to compare it too but it had a lot of flavor. My only complaint is quite a bit of salt in the shrimp. The pork was good though (I had a bite of hers).

• When it comes to dim sum, I can be a little bit picky since I grew up in Hong Kong... To me, all dim sum item's gotta have the right taste, right texture, and served at the right temperature. (The rest of us, on the other hand, like it slimy, rancid, and ice cold. Fucktard.)

• If you want to know if a dim sum restaurant is really good, you ask anyone with Cantonese parents if they'd bring their parents here for dim sum, then you'd know... =) And from what I experienced, I would have no problems bringing my parents here when they visit. (I'm calling bullshit on this constant assertion that being a member of a certain ethnic group guarantees a supremacy of palate, a culinary genius, a genetic mutant grand mastery of aesthetics and execution. Do they not have the equivalent of Applebee's in any other country on Earth? Do hordes of mindless fools not hunker down in the Cantonese equivalent of a TGI Friday's? Knock it off. Be logical: bad taste is not a strictly Anglo trait.)

• It's a Cantonese restaurant. But we ordered Mapo tofu which is Sichuan food. So it's not authentic at all. (Yeah, inauthentic Cantonese restaurant- stay on your turf! By the way, Mexican places with breakfast tacos? Fuck you, too! And then she says...) I ordered seafood hotpot which doesn't have much flavors. My other friends like it because they don't want any flavors. (Oh, snap! Table for one, please. Forever.)
  

Talking back to Yelpers as if they can hear me

• I'm no sushi expert, but Maki Toki has everything I want in a sushi place at a very reasonable price. During happy hour, it's even cheaper.

If you've ever eaten at Maki Toki, you'll know this guy means that he likes depressing, sterile strip malls; flatscreen TVs; Romanian teenagers; sushi bars with not one remotely Southeast-Asian-looking chef; a selection of four fish that all taste identical and are sinewy, slimy, and cloudy; Beyoncé; and mushy, bland rice.

"No sushi expert"? Pal, you're not even reading the pamphlets.

• First of all, I am very shocked to see so many negative reviews about this incredible rice and raw fish heaven. I am only the biggest sushi and seafood fan I've ever met, and pretty sure anyone's ever met, so this is confusing to me.

It's easy to be the biggest sushi and seafood fan you've ever met when you're the only person who can stand you.


More that I just cannot respond to because a language hasn't been invented yet that's capable of reaching across the internet and choking someone to death:

• It was the oddest antipasto with a lot of pickled stuff. I don't like pickles.

• I love Pad Thai. When I usually go out to eat Thai, it's always the one dish I like to try at every restaurant- each having their own distinct taste and style.

• The place is too stinky to have decent seafood

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 4

This one was such a magnificent disaster, I had to reprint the entire review. It is not only uncomfortably creepy, but the showboaty pseudo-fiction tone is just hilarious. There are some people on Yelp who write these would-be noir sort of reviews, but I'd rather eat my own toenails off than read any work of "Fiction" these guys write when they've finally managed to stop furiously jacking off in the mirror.

Njoy:

• Sauntering into Bastas on a sweltering hot afternoon, I found myself in a quaint little restaurant obviously inspired by the Italian bistros of the Napa Valley.
  
  I sat myself at the bar and admired the rows of Italian wines on prominent display. Associations of good times past kindled my memory as I studied vintages that I've enjoyed previously.
  
  Draped in an elegant black dress, the lovely bartender inquired on what refreshment was necessary to quench my parched palate.
  
  "Your choice", I said.
  
  "What do you like to drink?"
  
  "Whiskey."
  
  Revealing a thin smile from the side of her slender lips, she proceeded to prepare a simple cocktail with purposeful intention.
  
  "This is a horse feather", she said with a hint of pride as she served it to me.
  
  One sip of the smooth and refreshing drink was all that it took to sooth away the harshness of the hot day.
  
  "You do know me", I said.
  
  Glancing at the happy hour menu, I took note that this was not the typical bar fare and ordered the carpaccio and roast quail.
  
  The carpaccio was prepared just like in I've had in California wine country, with lovely slices of Parmesan and flavorful vinaigrette complementing the thinly sliced beef.
  
  The roast quail was prepared with a spicy dry rub and baked. I enjoyed that tasty little bird.
  
  I only savored Bastas bar for one, short, happy hour, but it was an entertaining hour at that.

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 3

Had few complaints about diners from last night's shift, except a group of Westlake Chodes sitting in the bar who complained that the Caesar had anchovies (amazing white anchovies, see this post for how I will use them for world domination), then sent the ribeye back to be murdered to a helpless medium-well, then loudly bitched that restaurants that only serve wine and beer are "fucking cheap."

Go back to Bikinis, you tasteless chodes. Try not to date rape anyone on your way.

So onto the Yelpers whose tyranny continues to give me angina:

• I wish I had known the Aloo Gobi was going to be spicy.

• I'm just now getting into Indian food, so I might not be the best judge, but this place is freakin fantastic!!

• My wife and I had num nums here on Saturday after seeing a show at the Civic. (that's a bit personal, don't you think?)

• So at work I'm known as the Yelp girl. People come to me all the time asking for restaurant recommendations for this or that. (two guesses: 1) they're trying to get in your pants - no one thinks yelpers have the slightest clue what they're talking about or 2) you work from home)
  

• "Her blood coursed through my veins sweeter than life itself..." Louis, Interview with the Vampire (Somewhere, a Hot Topic is missing its resident "Creepy guy")

People Love Themselves on Yelp, volume 2

Here are today's winners:

• The only reason I didn't give this 5 stars is because it gets so darn crowded!! Which means, it's good.

• I don't know what kind of coffee they use, but it's fine by me and served professionally. I'm not a crepe expert, but they seem fine also.

• Well, restaurants like this are a dime a dozen in France.

Catch of the day:

• Well , I'm French , and I don't take this kind of fake french cuisine . Never heard about "shrimps a la Bourguignone" There is no shrimp in Bourgogne (true) . Who wants to eat chicken a la Francaise .....Or a confit Duck , that's from Perigord ( I'm with you so far pal, but that's in France.)
  A Bouchon is a very tiny restaurant in the town of Lyon , the best chefs in the world are from Lyon . The food is based on boudin, grattons ,andouillette,onglet aux echalottes , mushrooms ,St Marcellin , NOTHING PASTEURIZED !!!! got he picture ? It's the best and the worst of French Cuisine .(record screeching noise)
  The wine is from Cotes du Rhone , and it was GOOD !!! That's the only thing I'll remember .The best cotes du Rhone is St Julien .... just try to find it ,,,,,,
  Also the waitress , she had a bad bang , and too much friendly , like Dude , grabbing my shoulder , ,,,,No big deal when you are in France , and alone , my girlfriend didn't like her......

And scene.

People Love themselves on Yelp, volume 1

In the sort of turn of events that makes gods and Russians laugh, I, who am famous in my small world for despising Yelpers and belittling them at every possible opportunity, now must routinely peruse their banal dribble as part of my non-serving job. To try and leech some of the cancer-causing bile my blood is accumulating over having to read screechingly moronic and wrong information, advice, and opining, here is a new series I've named after a t-shirt I desperately wanted to make (we've all been there):
People Love themselves on Yelp

Today's batch needs little in the way of my own commentary. It's sheer poetry
(rampant and psychotic misuse of English language kept as is):

• There is nothing worse than a server saying "let me go check with the kitchen." That is absurd their job is to know what they are serving...
  

• I am a complete foodie
  

• There was an Indian couple sitting next to me (or close enough, right? -emc)

• As a French onion soup connoisseur I found sadly that Serrato's soup was so salty it just plain sucked.
  

• I'm from LA so I know good sushi from OK sushi.

• I think my real problem is that coming from Hawaii I'd eaten so much amazing sushi that it's hard to be impressed.

• Being from L.A. and having visited Japan, my standards are pretty high, but this place, is pretty much disappointing.

• We've been to many of the best sushi restaurants in New York City, including Nobu, so...
  

• Num-yummy!

That's all the time I have today. Join us next time for more b.s.-spewing on People Love themselves on Yelp, volume 2.

Reviewers who suck

I'm doing a ton of research on Washington DC restaurants so I can more effectively edit some reviews for a forthcoming guide (I don't live there, so I rely heavily on the community of diners eager to blab - luckily, there's plenty). In the process, I have learned the following:

1. Washington Post.com restaurant critic Tom Sietsema likes everything (especially being recognized and then mentioning it in his reviews). He's less critical about food and wine than the bum in the park across from my house is about the government.

2. Yelpers are drooling idiots who boringly blab on about service in a way that makes them obviously not into the dining experience so much as having their collective dicks sucked by a waiter. No dick suckage? Bad review! Oh, was there food? We didn't notice.

3. For this reason, Yelp is notorious for having reviews so mixed that the site is completely obsolete. I find I prefer eGullet, much to my surprise (I wasn't expecting to like any of them). These people take the whole thing into consideration, and actually seem to have eaten outside of their homes once or twice. Rarely do you hear anyone say something retarded like "$20 seems very expensive for an entree, but whatever." Have you been in a bomb shelter since 1962?? Jesus, I hate Yelpers.

4. Chowhounders do nothing but ask other Chowhounders if they've been someplace yet. Seriously. Google a restaurant right now and see if that isn't the first 3 results that come up: "Has anyone been to _____ yet?" Useless.

5. The people that leave comments under Tom Sietsema's Washington Post reviews usually sound like they're writing from prison. Is it possible to be this zealous and stupid without stabbing yourself in the throat every time you brush your teeth? One exclamation point will do, thank you!!!!!

6. Frommer's: since when do people get paid to merely list what the menu offers? A critical opinion wouldn't kill you, you know.

7. On any menu, syrupy martinis with cutesy names are the bellwether to a terrible wine list. It's like how seagulls precede a storm. Or a school of dolphin. Which is it? Who cares, so long as it's not fucking Bogle.

8. Yelp reviews sound they're written by Baby Jane if she were let out of the asylum for a nice meal. I'm only this angry because a half dozen of the damned things pop up whenever I Google a restaurant. Can I change my preferences or put an obscene-content lock on that site or something?

9. This goes for everyone, on every site, blog, forum, etc: If I see one more person use "yummy" as a descriptor, I'm going to pay my hacker friends to send a virus to the site that plays a video of blue-footed boobies doing their silly mating dance, over and over again. I imagine some person with severe emotional retardation, petting their My Little Pony at the table, lovingly "feeding" it whatever they are eating. "See, Snowflake? Isn't this pork belly yummy? Let's go online and tell everyone!"